


Cops and Robbers

by Eggsyobsessed



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Banter, Blow Jobs, Crack, Eggsy is like an excited puppy, Established Relationship, Harry Hart is a Detective, Harry Hart is so Done, Harry and Merlin have been playing cat and mouse for two decades, Humor, M/M, Major Character Injury, Merlin is a Criminal, Merlin is a Little Shit, cops and robbers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-10 01:10:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18928267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: Harry Hart has worked for the Metropolitan Police Service for nearly three decades, and the last two of those were spent chasing a criminal by the name of, Quinn Jacobs. Who is also known as The Infamous Merlin - and an assorted other names - and who also happens to be his romantic partner for just as long.It is all fine and good. They both enjoy the chase and to be chased, until Harry brings a young, chav, detective by the name of Eggsy Unwin, with him - who has a quick trigger finger and causes Harry to be shot...by Merlin.





	Cops and Robbers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NightWriter93](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightWriter93/gifts).



> Yeah, uh, so, my brain doesn't have a shut off valve? I was sent a prompt by my good friend, who I am gifting this to, and it just screamed Merlahad to me.  
> I admit I have zero self control, but I had entirely too much fun with this.  
> I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> The prompt read: "The Cheif of Police is married to Mob Boss, and they have to keep "just failing" to catch each other. When one of them hits the other in a shootout, it's followed with "Oh I'm never going to hear the end of this..."  
> "So how was your day at work?"  
> "YOU FUCKING SHOT ME! THAT WAS MY DAY AT WORK!" "
> 
> And this spawned from that. I want to give a special thank's to my good friend, wyvernwolf, who provided some of the exchange between Merlin and Harry, you are the best.

“All right gentlemen,” Detective Chief Superintendent, Chester King, said allowed to the whole department.

There was a pointed clearing of one's throat, and Chester shifted his eyes to the noise where Detective Constable, Roxanne Morton, sat spine straight and eyes ablaze at her desk - a challenge in them, daring King to not address her as the woman she is.

“And ladies,” he added with a reluctance palpable on his tongue. “We have a lead on the whereabouts of, Quinn Jacobs. An anonymous tip has been placed just moments ago, and I need my best on deck.” King’s cold stare fell onto his most respected detective. “Hart,” he barked.

Harry, still seeming uninterested in whatever assignment King would stick him with, slouched in his chair mindlessly fiddling with a rubix cube.

“This is yours,” King said, as he dropped the rather large file onto his desk. “Maybe this time you can catch him,” he sneered and departed to his office, closing the door behind him.

“Oh shit,” Eggsy said from behind Harry. He wheeled his chair beside him and peered over his shoulder. “Quinn Jacobs?” he squeaked a little.

“You’ve heard of him?” Harry asked, voice monotone, lacking all ounces of interest. Eggsy snorted by his ear, Harry leaned away.

“Who hasn’t?” the boy’s voice full of curiosity and clear intrigue. “The Infamous Merlin, The Scottish Wizard.”

Harry chuckled at that. “The Scottish Wizard,” he scoffed. Oh, the names only got more comical as the years passed. He picked up the file, it weighed a bit more than it had just four months ago, and made a show of pretending to at least read where Jacobs location would be.

“Hey!” Eggsy said, still reading over his shoulder, a finger pointing to the bottom. “Says you are encouraged to take a partner.” Eggsy did not keep the hope out of his tone as he said this. And Harry wondered if the new detective was really up for the challenge.

“So it does,” Harry said in mock surprise. He has been down this road a time or two, and he usually takes his routine partner, Percival. But the man is out on medical leave, bastard got himself shot in the shoulder. “It suggests it, but does not mean I need to,” he spoke to himself.

“But you should,” Eggsy easily interjected.

“Mm,” Harry hummed, he was just dangling the carrot in front of Eggsy for the fun of it now. It was clear as day that Eggsy wanted to go. “He is dangerous,” he murmured.

“Yeah, totally,” Eggsy agreed quickly. “You’ll need someone to cover your back,” he added.

“Indeed,” he agreed. “But who would be available?” he wondered aloud, and Eggsy all but jumped out of his seat.

“I am willing to stand beside you, Harry,” Eggsy offered.

Harry smiled a little. The boy was very much like an excited puppy, willing to do anything to get a bone and earn praise amongst his superiors. “Are you sure you are up for it?” he asked in concern, and it was not at all a stage, he honestly cared about him.

He had recruited Eggsy, and his father was one of the few partners Harry had had that were killed during active duty.

Eggsy set his jaw, in a way that reminded Harry of Lee, and nodded his head. “Yes, sir,” he swore.

Harry stood gracefully and gathered the file. “Well, let’s be on, shall we?” Some of the other detectives had teased Harry for his way of speaking, but he was raised to be a gentleman.

\---

Merlin easily weaved in and out of traffic, the coppers hot on his trail and he knew it was only a matter of time before the Metropolitan Police Service was called. They always sent their detectives out, no matter if the general filth were just inches from catching him. But they never did, and for over two decades he was able to get away with his crimes.

It amazed him, how Queen and Country seemed to fail to snatch up just one man. Despite all of the things his partner said about serving for the crown, a regular argument over dinner after discussing their work days. And, perhaps, if their work didn’t constantly collide with one another, there would be less to bicker about.

But Merlin would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it, it had been his favorite part of the day for over two decades.

He swerved his motorbike to avoid a pedestrian, he may be the most wanted criminal in the London area, but he was not a murder. Merlin turned left to head down a narrow alley, and he knew the car that chased him would not make it down. But he heard the shouts and calls from two men - who were now obviously chasing him on foot. One voice was very familiar, he smiled to himself, but there was a new one. It was laced with a chav accent, that he had not ever heard before.

Merlin came to a dead end, and unless he felt like running the two other men over, he’d have to hop the fence. He skidded to a halt, a gun fired nearly grazing his arm. He turned, without thinking, and shot at the back of the taller bloke in the alley.

There was a clear shout of pain, and Merlin could have sworn he recognized that sound. He looked back and cursed under his breath.

That shriek of agony had come from his partner, Harry Hart - who now hopped around, a hand on his arse, as a shrill of impressive curse words left his mouth. “Oh, I’m never going to hear the end of this…” he said to himself, and hopped the fence.

\---

“- but holy shit. You like turned and he fucking shot you in the arse, Harry!” Eggsy continued his babbling, the ambulance was just a kilometer away from the nearest hospital.

He had demanded to go to an A&E, but apparently they did not handle such injuries. Seeing as he had a fucking bullet in his left arse cheek. Harry tried to drown Eggsy out, really, if it weren’t for his quick trigger finger Harry would not be in this mess.

“Like, you could frame that shite.” Eggsy’s eyes were wide and glossed over with admiration. As if being shot was a goal in life.

“I am not, and repeat, am not keeping a bullet that’s been in my fucking arse!” Harry yelled, and the heart rate monitors began to beep with his elevated blood pressure.

“That vein on the side of your head is pulsing,” Eggsy pointed out.

Harry groaned and buried his face into the crook of his elbow. He tried to ignore the fact that his partner was still going on about the whole thing, and how his arse was currently very naked and exposed for all in the back of the ambulance to see.

It did not get any better when they triaged him. Eggsy, bless his little Chihuahua like tendencies, stood beside him the whole way through. Even if Harry wished he had a mute button for the boy.

“Eggsy.” Harry looked up from his spot on the bed. “Please, do shut up for five fucking minutes. Yes, I know. I was shot in the arse, by a bullet - that I’m almost certain - was meant for you. And where I am relieved it was not you, I wish you would just shut up.” he was becoming grumpier by the minute, and the pain medication hadn’t kicked in yet as they dressed his arse.

Eggsy’s mouth opened and closed a few times - much like a fish out of water - and sat on the nearby plastic chair while Harry was tended to.

Harry was grateful that Eggsy had listened to him. It was ten minutes later that Eggsy began to speak again, and Harry couldn’t even do much more than groan. The painkillers, finally, started to work and all he heard was ‘blah, blah, blah’ as Eggsy’s voice grew farther and farther away.

\---

Harry slowly shuffled through his flat door, his back leaning against the wood to shut it and that was a bad idea. The door just barely touched his wound and he almost jumped out of his skin with how badly it burned. It was as if someone had stuck a branding iron against his arse cheek.

“Darling,” an annoyingly familiar brogue called from the sitting room. Harry ground his teeth together, as he toed his oxfords off.

The soothing melody of his mix-tape, which contained a variety of Beethoven, couldn’t even provide him peace right now. He hobbled into the sitting room, and there Merlin sat - face smooth and relaxed, completely free of any anxieties from a day's work, with a fucking drink in hand. Harry noted he was in his dressing gown, the one that was a plush hunter green fabric, one that Harry particularly adored on him and how it felt against his skin.

“How was your day at work?” Merlin asked coolly, taking another sip of scotch.

Harry felt as though he would combust, as he came all the way into the room and slammed down the donut cushion - he had been given during his visit in the emergency department - onto the overstuffed chair before he, tenderly, plopped his arse onto it.

There was a small twitch to the corner of Merlin’s lips, and Harry wished he’d laugh because he was not above pulling the gun out of the table drawer to shoot him.

“You fucking shot me. That was my day at work, Quinn.” Harry’s voice was calm, far too calm for the current situation. That alone was indication enough he was on fire.

Merlin nodded and took another sip of scotch. “Oh, yes, that.”

That seemed to add wood to the inferno blazing in Harry’s eyes. “Yes, that, you fucking Scottish bastard. I have a fucking hole in my arse.” Harry’s voice hit an unheard before pitch, his face becoming redder by the second.

“Oops?” Merlin responded.

“Oops?” If at all possible, Harry’s tone went up a few more octaves. “You fucking shot me!” he screamed, repeating his earlier statement.

“My gun slipped,” Merlin said. He looked contemplative. “Yer arse, ye say? I could kiss it and make it better.” he waggled his eyebrows.

Harry debated kicking him, but thought better of it. The movement would probably pull against the stitches to his wound, and he was not up for a second visit to the hospital.

“You are not coming near my arse for a long while,” Harry warned. “In fact, I should just catch you after all these years and lock you up. That would ensure you stay very far away from my arse, wouldn’t it?”

They both knew it was an empty threat, but Merlin still gulped a bit at that. For two solid decades, they had enjoyed playing cat and mouse, cops and robbers rather. It was always worth the adrenaline they both gained from the chase and being chased. The sex at the end of the day was always spectacular, too.

Merlin placed his glass onto the coffee table, and knelt before Harry’s feet, and placed his wrists together before holding them out in front of Harry - as if they were bound by an imaginary rope.

“What on earth are you doing, Quinn?” all of the blood rushed to his dick, as Merlin looked up at him - hazel eyes warm, dark lashes hooded said eyes, and fuck, he was bloody gorgeous.

“Turning myself in,” Merlin said. He returned his head to face down, as if surrendering himself completely to Harry. He leaned into the hand that came to rest on the crown of his bald head, and stroked softly.

“It’s about time. What crimes have you committed?” Harry asked, going along with the game Merlin was, most certainly, playing.

Merlin grinned a bit, his gaze shifting up to Harry again. “Neglect,” he admitted.

Harry quirked a curious brow. “What have you been neglecting?”

“Yer dick,” he deadpanned.

Harry began to shake with laughter, and groaned when it jostled his arse. He didn’t even have the strength to stop Merlin when he began to unfasten his belt and unzip his trousers before, carefully, sliding them off along with his pants.

“How will you correct your offense, The Scottish Wizard.” Harry’s head tipped back against the back of the chair, his eyes fluttered shut as the whisper of Merlin’s lips brushed over the head of his dick.

“Wait, what? The Scottish Wizard?” Merlin asked, amused. “That’s a new one.” he chuckled. The hand, that was still on his head, shoved him down a bit - forcing him to take Harry fully into his mouth.

“Less talking,” Harry instructed, and enjoyed the way Merlin laughed around his dick.

He figured it was worth getting shot, because Merlin was very generous with the blowjobs over the next few weeks.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I Shot the Sheriff, but I Didn't Shoot No Deputy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20404558) by [Eggsyobsessed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed)




End file.
